I am not an expert on the subject of time travel, and I am assuming that neither are you. So for the benefit of us all, I will refrain from using words like “parthenogenetic,” which is defined as the most scientific term Google could find for me, and “metaphysics,” which may actually encompass the study of time travel. I don’t know. I’m not a “parthenogenetic metaphysical rocket scientist,” or “Space Wizard” for short. However, if in fact you are a “Space Wizard,” I insist that you show some sort of proof or formal identification. If not, than you are a liar, because time travel is probably not real.
Now, the theory of time travel has been a staple of human imagination for generations, which is probably a long time, considering the expansive ambiguity attached to the use of the word “generations” as an actual measurement of time, which you should not use unless you intend to sound both sophisticated and understandable. Or, if you are like me, you can throw the term around as an ambiguous unit of measurement for just about anything. But more on that later, I promise.
I was first introduced to the theory of time travel when I watched Superman the Movie for the first and last time when I was about six. In case you haven’t seen the movie, don’t, it’s absolute garbage. However, in the film, Superman flies so fast around the world that he turns back time. Now, my six-year-old brain had just figured out how to work a microwave, so I was a pretty smart for a six-year-old. And if you by chance figured out how to use a microwave before the age of six, then good for you.
Anyway, as you can imagine, this whole time travel concept was pretty mind-blowing for a six-year-old, and at that time I couldn’t wait to test that idea in real life, which conveniently came in the form of me breaking something in a Pier 1 Imports store. This event brought me two very important realizations. Firstly, that I was unable to make time go backwards, and secondly, that I hated Pier 1 Imports. Even today I think to myself, “Why do we need to import so much breakable crap? And why would you take a child into a building that is full of breakable crap, anyway?”
My next run-in with the elusive time travel theory revealed itself when I was old enough to watch Back to the Future in one sitting without getting distracted, so somewhere around the age of about fifteen. Unlike Superman the Movie, Back to the Future was great, and also unlike Superman the Movie, Back to the Future added science to time travel, and since nobody at the age of fifteen knows jack shit about science, time travel became a figment of my imagination, much like science.
At this time, I would just like to say that neither I nor anybody else I have ever met personally has ever exhibited the ability or knowhow to make time travel possible. This includes, but is not limited to, the ability to see the future, which is equally unlikely to be true. That being said, what I am about to tell you may come as a surprise.
I believe that on my college campus, in the furthest, deepest, most frozen corner of Pennsylvania, I was in the vicinity of someone who may or may not have been capable of time travel, despite their best efforts to conceal their ability.
I mean, could you imagine if someone knew that you could travel backward and forward in time? That would be like when someone knows you have a car on a college campus and a Taco Bell has just opened up in town. Hell on Earth.
Regardless, it was a cold yet pleasantly sunny day in Bradford, nearing the end of October, I think. I’m not really sure, okay, it was a while back and I can’t really remember dates, so I’m going to say it was October when I was sitting in the cafeteria enjoying a generation of black coffee. See, I told you I would bring that up. That just goes to shows that generation is a terrible unit of measurement, so people who use it often should stop. You know who you are.
Now back to me enjoying my generation of coffee. One table away sat two girls bickering about something that I wasn’t interested in enough to remember, so for the sake of conversation, we’ll say it was the beach. These two girls were bickering about the beach, when one of them said, “OMG (laugh), it literally took me forever (louder laugh).”
Now, there are few things on this Earth that can catch my attention more than loud obnoxious laughter and supposed tales of the beach, but this particular quote was unexpectedly inspiring, because at that moment I realized that if something were to take this individual “literally forever,” then they must have access to time travel, or else it could not possibly have taken “literally forever,” or at the very least they could not be present at the time.
Since it is common knowledge that the word “literally” means that something takes place exactly as it is told, I had no reason to think that this individual lacked the secrets of time travel, or at the very least knew someone who did. This is the quote that launched a thousand words so to speak as it has ignited my urge to find proof of time travel and the ability to see the future.
Or maybe not, as I don’t tend to work very hard on things like this and this definitely seems like it will take considerably more work than I am willing to put into it. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll think about it.