By Tyler Elias

As someone who, like many, grew up in perpetual fear of things like the dark, the dangers of time travel, and public bathrooms, I know what is like to overcome impossible odds, and I am here to tell you that you can too.

I would also like to mention I have always wanted a title for something that just screams alliteration while also bordering on copyright infringement, and now that I have that, I feel very satisfied. I’m glad you were here to see my moment of triumph. Up until this point, I had just assumed that this was a positively horrible idea and was afraid of the prospect of screwing it all up. But as you can see, I have triumphantly overcome that petty fear. I am now a man without fear, like Daredevil, but without the suit.

Now, the point that I am trying to make is that you, like many others, are afraid of something in life, and if you say otherwise you’re lying because everyone is afraid of something. For example, those eight-legged death machines crawling around your bedroom while you sleep. I am of course exempt from this, as made evident by my totally legitimate title, but we have already been over that and I would never lie to you.

In order to help you overcome your own petty fears, I will share with you the twenty ways to overcome fears. Actually, now that I think about it, twenty is a lot and I probably can’t think of that many. Ok, I will share with you the three ways to overcome fear. Three is much more manageable and is significantly less work.

  • No, That’s Stupid

I came up with this one by mashing together common sense and my favorite quote from an unnamed source. To put it plainly, a lot of the shit that you’re afraid of is really stupid. Like the wind. Believe it or not, some people are actually afraid of the wind. This is the type of fear that can be easily overcome. Go to a mirror and look at yourself. Maybe open a window and let in the air, even if you’re afraid of it, because you seriously have got to get over that crap. Now that you are in front of the mirror, think about what you’re afraid of, like the wind or sharpening pencils or something equally as ridiculous and say out load, “No, that’s stupid.” And then get over it. It’s that easy.

  • Not There? Not Scary

Here is a purely hypothetical scenario:

You are in the woods. You are alone. You encounter a bear. Are you afraid of that bear? Yes. Why? Because that bear is going to mess your shit up. The end.

I love that story, and like all stories, this one has a few moral lesson. Firstly, don’t go into the woods by yourself, because that is just a stupid thing to do, like swimming in the ocean.fearofterrorism22215

Secondly, however, the bear is scary because there is a bear present at the time. Imagine that you’re just sitting in your room. Are you going to be afraid of a bear? No, of course not, because you are not some paranoid weirdo who thinks that a bear is going to break into their house at any minute.

The point is, if the source of fear is not there, than it is not scary. This remains true for a fear of heights. People are afraid of heights, OK. But stop being afraid of heights when you are in your house or, god forbid, in public.

You are allowed to be afraid of heights when you are dangling from a skyscraper, not when you’re buying groceries.

  • Are You Five?

I understand that many fears are the product of human nature, like the fear of the dark, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and speaking in front of a crowd of clowns.

While the last one is admittedly unlikely to occur unless you are horrifically unfortunate, the previous two are real fears that plague the hearts and minds of real people everywhere. It is for situations like this that I present you with this technique.

If you find yourself afraid of the dark for some ungodly stupid reason, just ask yourself, “Am I five?” No, you are a grown man or woman who is afraid of the dark and you should be ashamed, so get over it.

And if you happen to be so unfortunate as to find a Jehovah’s Witness at your door, you can either ask yourself the same question if you are afraid, or, if you are like me, you simply lock them out and sit in plain view. It’s usually cold outside and there are probably bears, so they’ll have to leave eventually.

I hope that these techniques will aid you in overcoming your overly ridiculous fears. If you happen to have any of the fears mentioned above, don’t be insulted. Instead, be relieved that you now have the knowhow to deal with your own problems. Because of me, you probably won’t have to pay for a therapist.