Like many, or hopefully at least a few, I have spent a vast majority of my time staring blankly into the starry night sky (or sometimes directly into the sun) and asking myself the time-honored question of, “Is there intelligent life out there besides me?”

Now, let us tackle the big question, and I mean big. Like universe-big or Peyton Manning’s forehead big. Is there intelligent life out there?

The answer to this question is tyler's1of course subject to an individual’s perspective of intelligence. Take me for example. I have seen on multiple occasions people who were definitely not me attempt to pull open doors that clearly say “Push,” followed by “Employees Only,” so my standards for intelligence are fairly low, like really low. I’m talking subatomic, or at the very least, like the amount of Spanish I can speak.

So for me, the prospect of intelligent life existing is pretty damn good, like really good, like-you know what, never mind, you get the idea. If I had to rate it, I’d give the chances a solid “probably,” rather than my usual rating of, “probably, maybe, how would I know anyway?”

Need proof of aliens? Fine.

If you have ever taken an exorbitant amount of time to read the Bible, then you know that it all starts a long time ago in a [Redacted for Copyright Infringement]. If you haven’t, then let me give you a brief synopsis.

Once upon a time, there was a bearded old man who lived in a garden and created the entire world from scratch. This included, but was not limited to, the oceans, the sky, the earth, and humans. Now all of this is pretty impressive considering that the best things that humans have come with so far are free wifi and Taco Bell.tylers4.jpg

Now I played with Legos as a kid, with varying levels of success, and I have also shopped at IKEA, so I know how hard making stuff is without an instruction manual, leading me to deduce that this bearded man may have been an alien.

Then that old bearded man had a kid or something that could walk on water. But he was also a carpenter while also roaming the countryside multiplying fish and stuff. Must not have been very good at the whole carpentry thing. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, aliens. Yeah, they were probably aliens. I mean, I can’t do any of those things. Can you? Yeah, didn’t think so.

And don’t even get me started on the whole turning water to wine thing, because, you know, that’s actually pretty cool. In fact, I hope all aliens can do that.

Unfortunately, if modern filmmaking has taught us anything, it’s that most aliens do not do those things. Instead they just kind of blow our shit up, in which case, please remind me why we actually want them to exist.

I mean seriously, I’m no rocket scientist, but I know a bad idea when I see one.

Now here’s a thought. If there is intelligent life out there, why in the hell would they come here in the first place? And I sure as hell know that we’re not going to meet them on their planets, because as a species we are exceptionally lazy and space is a scary place. I mean seriously, it’s terrifying.tyler's2

Now I’m not saying that I’m scared of space or anything like that. That would be silly. But
take black holes, for example. You know, those things that suck up just one of your socks each time you do your laundry. Imagine that, but you’re the sock.

The only way that we’re going to space is when commercial industries like McDonalds and Microsoft realize that they can put ads on the Moon, which would probably be the most constructive and intelligent thing to do with space at this point.

But enough from me. Who do you think is not from this world and which major company would you like to see conquer the moon with tasteless advertisements? Feel free to leave your answers in the comments below. Or don’t. Maybe go outside and stare at the sun if that’s your thing. I’m not going to stop you.