By Tyler Elias
If you’re anything like me, than at least three times a day you think to yourself, “The world would be a better place if I were left in charge,” but you lack any and all qualifications for such an ambitious step. In fact, you can’t even convince yourself to get out of bed on time more than three times a week, let alone hold a position of such authority.
If this sounds like you, then you’re in luck, because I’m here to not only tell you that you can achieve your goal of becoming a successful world ruler, but also that in today’s society, you don’t even need the expected “qualifications” for such a role. Plus, it can all be done with minimal effort.
I have taken the time to compile a list of the most important steps to becoming successful in our modern society and to eventually rise to the top.
Since you can clearly see that I have yet to become the ruler of the world, you’re probably thinking one of two things. The first one being, “This guy doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” and the second being, “This guide will never work.”
Think about that voice that you just read those lines in. That is the voice of a lazy nonbeliever. You must take into consideration that the effects of this guide will take time and patience. You may also want to remember that politics will play a massive role in whether or not you will be able to reach such heights, so this is not for everybody.
- People can be Dumb, So Use Big Words and Smile Often
It’s important to always sound like you know what you’re doing when vying for a position of power. Even a prospective employee for a fast food restaurant must convince their employer that they know how to work a register, mostly by lying and nodding appropriately in order to take the edge off of the fact that they have no idea what they’re doing. The same can be said for the world of politics.
When you ultimately find yourself on the path to taking over the world, there will come a time when you must stand before the masses and explain to them the future that your rule will bring them. But here is where we reach the first obstacle. You don’t know how to do that. And let’s also say that you lost the napkin that your speech was written on.
You don’t need to be nervous, just remember these simple steps. Say big words, smile, and repeat. The big words add sophistication to your voice and will confuse most people. This is good. To find suitable words to use, I recommend science books and classical literature. This will add a layer of intelligence while also making you appear classy. It’s important to always keep the common people informed yet uninformed all at the same time.
The smile is your ending point. It tells the crowd that you are done with what you were saying and reminds the listeners that whatever it was that you just said, whether they understood it or not, was good in the end.
- It’s Dangerous to Go Alone. Take This
Total domination on such a large scale is no easy task. In fact, it’s quite a bit of exhausting work and more work than any single person could possibly tolerate day in and day out. That’s why even the best have always had someone else to do the work for them, and it is crucial for you, an up-and-coming ruler of the world, to find a suitable candidate. For this reason, I have come up with a bulletproof method for evaluating candidates for just this occasion.
Look at the person on your right and silently judge them. Silently judging others is key in any form of politics. If you don’t happen to have anybody on your right than I suggest looking to your left, although this is not recommended, especially for beginners. Now that you have a chosen a person and have a preconceived opinion of that person, you must decide if they are a suitable candidate.
Would you want them on your campaign poster? Do they look capable of telling others what to do so that you don’t have to? Most importantly, do they look like someone who would try to take power from you? If so, look past them to the next person. Repeat the process.
If you are having a hard time knowing what to look for, just think about the experts. Walter White had Jesse Pinkman, President Bush had Dick Chaney, and even the Emperor had Darth Vader before being thrown down a shaft.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. These are all fictional characters, not to mention that they all pretty much failed in the end. Why on Earth would I want to do what they did? While this is true, they may have never gotten to their positions of power in the first place without their little sidekicks.
Just remember, the Emperor was still an emperor, even though he was thrown down a shaft.
- Make the Statue Look Impressive
Possibly the most important rule is to make sure that you create a powerful image for yourself. You want to be recognizable to the people, an image that they will never forget. When you finally retire and have that ten-story statue of yourself erected, you want it to look good.
People in power are iconic, or at least have something about their image that’s iconic. Now I am not saying that you need Trump’s hair, or that Darth Vader’s helmet will look good with a suit and tie. What I am saying is that you must create an original image for yourself. In fact, the Vader helmet and suit is a pretty good place to start. I am leaving this one up to you.
I hope that this guide has enlightened you on what it takes to get ahead and take the first steps towards taking over the world. Just remember, with great power comes free food and no more waiting in lines.